Maybe this is off 30bad topic, but my partner and I are part of this community and I would like to know what everyone else thinks. Him and I are currently separated because we cannot agree on a relationship lifestyle. I mean, I get it, if I were a man I would probably want to "spread my seed" as well...but I just can't relate. I love my partner, we have so much passion and chemistry, and it is a huge plus that we follow the same fruit lifestyle and are passionate about that. He says that he feels trapped. He more than suffices my sexual/emotional/intimate/romantic needs and I have no desire to be with other men. He says humans are not monogamous, and I even agree with that...but the thought of him with other women kills me. Our sex is AMAZING and we often tell each other it is the best sex we have ever had, and we sleep together 1-3 times a day...so I know he isn't lacking in that dept. He says he feels trapped because if he follows his desires then I will leave him, and he doesn't want that. What am I to do? I am not even that strict with it. Sometimes I feel secure enough in our relationship that I wouldn't mind if he made out with someone we both knew just for fun. But I can't see me being okay with him always on the hunt for ladies...which seems like what he wants. I don't understand where I play into all that for him. Anyway, this issue is driving a huge wedge between us and I have even tried to be open to the idea just for him...but honestly it's not really what I want. We are both currently reading the book Sex at Dawn, and while I agree with some of the things it says, it seems extremely male biased and I can't get past my jealousy and thinking some thing is wrong with me for feeling that way. So many people tell me that it is just because he is young (27) and that he will grow out of it and want to settle down...but is that true? Or do people just "settle down" because of social conditioning. Is my jealousy and not being able to fully relax and share myself with a man who has multiple partners part of my own social conditioning? Or is there some truth to that? He says that we are like the bonobos who just all have sex with each other all day. That doesn't feel safe to me! Him having sex with people and then exchanging fluids with me and risking the chance of infection, stds, etc...I feel like he doesn't take so many things into consideration. With all other areas of my life I have been able to recognize as something I was conditioned to do, or believe and then change it and live in truth. But this is one thing that is so hard for me. Any thoughts?
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Chantel. Beautiful name. When I was in fourth grade private school in NYC my best friend Mike had a super crush on the girl with the name that "sounded like singing"...Okay, look... it may be useful to philosophize & rationalize about Bonobos, science, psychology & social sexual behavior ramifications, but the main thing here is your happiness and fulfillment. In this relationship and in life. So, forget what your boyfriend says. Just react honestly to what he does. If you do not like it then it is time to take six months off from this relationship. It is possible that after that time, he may see things your way. Or maybe it takes longer. That is... if he is truly in love with you. If not then it was never meant to be. Sorry that's life kiddo. It takes two to tango...Remember that the best sign of maturity is when one is not able to be deeply hurt anymore. That does not mean that you lose your sensitivity. It means that you are fully aware that you deserve only what makes you feel good & "complete" with yourself and you will not let anyone play you like a fiddle anymore.
I'm sorry you are having this challenging experience, your feelings are completely understandable.
Sex At Dawn, as you correctly assert, is male biased but also devoid of scientific credibility. The book Sex At Dusk makes this patently clear. Pair-bonding appears to be the natural strategy for humans, although in the form of exclusive sexual monogamy not so. Promiscuity is natural but not in the way suggested by Sex At Dawn.
Yes men do have a reproductive strategy to have sex with more than one woman. Women usually prefer a man to me more exclusive to her as this benefits her and their children.
It may be possible to find a compromise. Practically this means a couple being sexually exclusive for a year or 2 until the pair-bond is securely established before opening the relationship up and also having a contract that the established pair relationship takes priority in terms of resources over new connections. Out of respect for everyone, new sexual encounters should always involve safe sex.
Of course, in reality sometimes "better" partners are found and relationships inevitably end probably for the better.
Why are open relationships respectful? Because an individual owns their own body and it should be for them to do with as they wish.
Many men are also becoming aware of how they are exploited in relationships so I think the dynamics are set to change substantially. You will find quite a few YouTube progs on MGTOW (men going their own way) that discus this phenomena, a significant change of direction in gender dynamics.
I'd just let him go.. it's pretty obvious that you guys are looking for different type of relationships and if you're not comfortable with his choices there's no point to force it.
There's nothing wrong with you, most people (myself included) feel the same (mono) way.
Here goes ;)
Please don't question yourself for having the unreasonable standard that a partner should respect you enough to stop playing the field. Frankly, this sounds one-sided in that you appear satisfied with him yet he is unsatisfied with you. No, it is not because you are prudish or conditioned or "irrationally" jealous.
I'm well-versed in Sex Before Dawn and I live in an area where there's an awful lot of interest in polyamory and open sexuality with multiple partners. I'll tell you that the typical story of communities and groups built upon this model fail or morph into monogamy. I allowed a decade-long relationship to end rather than accept the newly offered role of "partner #xxx."
The danger of STDs, AIDS, Hep—if you ride a horse the whole town is riding you'd better prepare for saddle sores. What if you ever decide you want kids? Will you allow multiple men to get into the act to ensure a diverse set of good DNA? Bonobos do. Here's an interesting quote on the subject:
It is easy to romanticize a person, a relationship, and a circumstance. Ask yourself if you're happy being one of an array of bonobos who get well-screwed.
Sit down alone and take time to answer a very honest question for yourself. Describe your ideal partner. Don't base it on what you have or have had. Base it on what your heart tells you. See what comes out and you'll have an idea where you are or aren't.
I don't mean to sound harsh; I'm just encouraging you to think about this carefully. It frustrates me to see a guy act this way. Appreciate what the hell you've got and stop following your banana all over town.
That doesn't sound harsh at all. It was something I needed to hear. I usually feel very confident in what I want and my reasons for wanting it...then I start discussing it with him and he makes me feel stupid, "unevolved", "trapped in my stories and false ideas about what relationships look like based on social conditioning", and I second guess myself. In talking to people lately I am starting to see that I am justified in what I want and that it doesn't make me weak. And yes, I do want kids one day and that is something that has also played into the issue. When he talks about "spreading his seed" and how tribes shared the sex with everyone and raised each others kids together, I say, "We don't live in tribes. What are you gonna do, go to several different womens house everyday and raise your children that are dispersed everywhere??"....this is assuming all of his children live close in proximity to one another....I would hate to have my childs father only be there a small percentage of the time because the other times he is out taking care of his other children.....sounds awful. I suggests to him that he should go live in a tribe-like situation, but he doesn't seem to want that either.