This is an honest cry from the core of me to all of you. I apologize because I have asked for help on 30BAD before, but usually I have had some kind of preconceptions that I don't want to let go of. That stubbornness has not helped me, so now I am asking with an open mind and a desperate heart. This post MAY be triggering, so please don't read it if you feel it could harm you!
I have had chronic depression for at least 12 years and disordered eating (on and off) for 10. I've also been an ethical vegan for 10 years and it's probably THE most important thing that has helped me to be healthy at all. But the past 2 years of bulimia have worn me down a lot, and I keep slipping out of even my many attempts to be LFRV, back into old addictions. Sometimes I can follow it for a few weeks at a time, but then I still sabotage myself again. I am at a "healthy" weight according to BMI, but I carry a lot of fat which you'd never see on a long-term fruit eater. I want more muscle to replace some of that blubber, if I can just bring myself to start exercising again. My doctor warned me of rotten teeth, stomach & throat cancers, osteoporosis ... I cannot believe I am still doing this to myself. I am so ashamed.
It's an addiction and I want to beat it. I can't give up because life is so beautiful, I KNOW that, I just can't feel it right now. For the times I can stick to all or mostly fruit, those have been some of the most truly happy times in my life. I know it's the key to changing my life for the better. My ED doctor who is quite an expert, but sooo expensive, is very supportive of high-raw diets and even veganism but he thinks I also need to eat beans and other higher-protein or high fat foods. If I can recover as a fruitarian and without paying so much, I want to do it. Oh yeah, and he's a coffee addict himself, so he probably can't help me beat MY coffee addiction! :P
So - what do you think are the main steps toward recovery on this lifestyle? I know I need to eat enough, but even when I get 2500 or more calories I often feel prone to binging. I guess it's just something I'll have to grit my teeth and get through, but I'd love to hear how you overcame it. What else? I wrack my brains every moment I'm awake. What should I do, what should I do, what should I do? ... I guess after so long I have lost confidence in myself.
I am planning to start Banana Island in a couple days when my new box of nanners gets ripe. That might help my acne-covered skin, low energy, tired digestion, and my salt-fat-sugar addicted taste buds. I'd love to do it for 2 full weeks, with alternating days of adding spinach and lettuce at dinner.
If only I can stay strong and determined enough to finally succeed, I know the fruity life with true purpose will be worth it. Please tell me anything, whether gentle love or tough love, that you think I might need to hear. Thank you so much, namaste, I love and respect this community so much and wish to be worthy of belonging to it.
Replies
thank you, Renee. Sometimes the best medicine is just to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same pain, but who courageously work onwards - that inspires me to keep going and learning through experimentation, too. My support is sent back to you as well, and I wish you all the best.Hugs back!!! :)
Thank you so much, Laura. I am working through some issues, both physical and mental. But in spite of all the times I mess up, I still have faith in fruit and even more in all the kindness of the people on 30BaD. I am so grateful that we can connect here. Thanks for reminding me how lucky we are to have one another's support!
Much love and mango madness ;)
Hi RawGreenAmber- I have successfully recovered from a binge eating disorder and obesity by working the program as it's laid out in 12 step recovery. It's helped tremendously that I eat a fruit-based diet.
Hi Dovima - thank you so much for telling me that. A couple of months ago I was really interested in the 12-step program, did a fair bit of research on it and it's still in my considerations. It is too bad that I live in a rural area without meetings (though I could potentially 'attend' online meetings - I never really found out if that would work for me in Canada, but possibly). I'd be so thankful if you had the time to PM me or reply here, even briefly, about what you found helpful about the 12-step recovery program. Thanks if you can let me know ... love and hugs.
Please don't apologize for reaching out. Not the first time, not the 1000005th time. I believe that we are all where we are supposed to be... learning lessons as we go.... you're perfect!!! And I can relate to your struggle. You need love and support, which is what we're here for, not shame and repression.
hugs..
I'd love to hear of anyone recovering from th eED.... I'm pretty sure weight gain is a part of the recovery process.. or not? Maybe just initially. Freelee talks about this and says it's all a part of healing and allowing your body to work optimally. It won't happen overnight, but you have to love yourself enough to allow the transition. That's what I'm trying to do. I was taking diet pills, laxatives, other uppers and stimulants... horrible... and then I would binge on "rice" [not really binge, just eat like a normal person] and go through the whole cycle again. And with it, all the shame etc. I'd love to connect with someone via email or BBM to help commit to the 811 program. I really do believe it's the solution!!
love and light
This breaks my heart because I know exactly how you feel.. I was addicted to laxatives and was anorexic.. This means I was eating around 1200 calories a day, but then again I was 16-18 years old and was still growing/developing and played/trained intensely for my sports.. I tried so many diets and restricted and binged all the time.. a constant cursed cycle. It was horrible I would get upset and I didn't want to do it to myself but I wanted to be thin.. and this point I got down to 113.. 12 lbs under my healthy weight. And lets keep in mind Im an athlete so its all muscle, I was loosing muscle.. My metabolism slowed down so much I wasnt even able to use the bathroom regulary. thats when I turned to the laxatives.. I became weak and sick and frail, not healthy.. My performance was decreasing and I was passing the little nutrients I was putting in my body. after a week of binging on christmas goodies i had reached the breaking point. finally this past new year 2013 I told myself I deserve more and Im beautiful the way I am and I dont need this in my life anymore. I ran a New Years 5k to bring in the new year healthy and positive! I told myself that this was is and 2013 i was going to live freely. Since then I have taken 2 laxatives since (in january) and have learned to embrace myself for everything i am, my flaws and my strengths, its all beautiful!
Ive been vegan since january and LFRV since february and I have never felt so alive in my life.. At first your going to put on weight.. but take deep breathes.. I restricted my body for so long when I started to eat normal or healthy i gained nearly 20 lbs! but after a few weeks my body adjusted which it will, my weight went back to normal (125 lbs) my skin has color and my face has life!
I now have the highest stats on my college soccer team leading in goals.. Ive placed in conference (3rdDMRrelay) for indoor winter track and am thriving and actually living not just existing!
I just want to encourage you theres hope, and its not going to be easy but its so worth it.. break free of the grip your disorder has on you and start living because life is to short to spend a minute not fully embracing everything around you and loving yourself and others to the full potential.
much love sister, you can do it!
This is so, so beautiful, Daisy ... thank you so much. You inspire me to keep fighting and be the best I can! I hope I can be as strong as you are! It's such a fight every day not to limit calories and I still have nightmares about binging, but I am actually *doing* it less and less. I want to learn to celebrate life just as you have. Thank you and so much love back! x0x0x
Its so wonderful! guilt free simple living :) It took so long for me to build up the courage to do it, its def not easy.. we all have out own internal struggles and once you get past this your going to become such a stronger person its crazy! no more bondage and restriction just pura vida! But your taking the right steps bringing it out into the light, it looses a lot of power this way! keep charging forward you have all of us 30BAD behind you, supporting you :)
<3 Awwwww thank you! :') *kisses*
1) i start the day off with plenty of purified water and a yummy wheatgrass shot (i really believe it helps..not sure why) the days i miss my shot are often the days i binge
2) keep hydrated!!!
3) i have a nice big salad twice a day along with my fruit because i find i need the neutral flavours (im still in early stages of recovery... And all this delicious fruit is amazing but i struggle stop... Resulting in 15000 calorie binges on processed food... When i add salads i find my mental clarity is better and i dot spend the day obsessing over food)
Just remember we deprived our bodies for sooo long.. And its going to take a while for it to trust us, it doesnt want to be starved again or have us purge. As you get into a routine (can take a while) your body will realise you mean business and the urges to binge will dissipate. We need the vitamins so i think fruit binges may even be beneficial hehe ;)
I wish you alllll the best! Its a long road but imagine how beautiful the journeys going to be!!!!
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