Hey guys,
First off, I just want to say I love you all very very much. It seems like nothing is real in my life anymore, and when I doubt myself, I look to this community to find truth and inspiration. Using the principles we have here, I am finding inspiration in my heart and I feel for the first time in my life that I know how to live.
So here it is, my big mental block for the last five years. Maybe some of you can relate, hopefully someone can help me get my thoughts in order. It's a girl. Her name is Charlotte and I thought she was my soul mate for years. We had a great relationship, through all the drugs and dysfunction in our families, for a long time. We were actually the best of friends even when we were toddlers. When I hit the road for two years, she had a change of heart and got involved with someone else.
I returned home in failing health. Whatever diseases I contracted early in my travels, I exacerbated as time went on with the onset of an eating disorder. After completely fucking my life up and almost dying more than once, I was barely recognizable. And yet she and I had the same way of interacting with each other, even though her new boyfriend was about to move in with her.
That brings me to where I am now. I just can't get her off my mind. I came home to New Hampshire to get a roof over my head and some stability with my health, but some voice in my head keeps saying that she is the reason I came home, when really she has nothing to do with it. Another voice says that she is the reason I struggled with my body image for the last two years, although I know again that that is the exact type of thinking that sent me spiraling downward when I faced health challenges
One of the biggest things I've learned through all this is that we need to know when to ask for help. I became seriously sick in my gut and then deliberately removed myself from any possible situations where I could have gotten help, because I was so afraid of social disapproval. I decided to be a homeless bum loser, unable to work because of my constant digestive discomfort and fear of being judged, instead of having some humility and telling the truth about my body to my parents and doing what's right. I can blame it on others but I have to take the responsibility, even though it literally makes me hate people who think it's okay to mistreat their bodies. That includes myself sometimes.
I will not use Charlotte to escape my ambitions anymore. I will do whatever I have to do, no matter how much pain it puts me through, to get in a better situation with my health than I am in now, no matter how much I have to sacrifice.
I have been saying to myself, "I would change the entire course of my life for her". Why should anyone do that? I have to get out of this psychosis. It's suicidal to hand your life over to someone else and say, "as long as I die with you, I'll die happy". I won't accept suicidal thoughts anymore.
Replies
Brad, you've come so far and I know there are people out there incredibly proud of you. I don't know if you've come across this, yet, but a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. Perspectives change over time and it can evolve naturally or you can focus yourself into a new perspective.
We've all heard that there are plenty of fish in the sea but it doesn't seem to matter when we have our sights set on a particular fish. However, no matter how woo-woo this sounds, if you can appreciate the great times and ignore the sad times, you'll find someone who makes Charlotte a happy memory.
Stop the hate, stop the hurt. We're all human, we're all doing the best we can with what we know. It's a cliche, but it's also true... sometimes people need to hit their own personal rock bottom before they see the light for themselves. Let go the hate, it's only hurting you and eating you up inside. Love yourself into good health. You are so worth it, Brad! Then love others into choosing health as soon as they're able to.
I can't believe it... just got this link in my email!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLqjK3ddSy0
Aww, breakups suck. You'll get over it as long as you don't isolate yourself. I went into such a downward spiral after a break up in y early 20s that I made myself incredibly ill for a long time and it was really bad. Not sure that I have advice for you that wouldn't come off as trite other than I understand and as you are probably aware, it takes time. Keep yourself busy and distracted. It is the only way really.
That's deep! Thanks for sharing, bro. You are absolutely right, no person deserves you sacrificing your health and/or life for them. In fact, they are not even going to appreciate it. What is admirable though is mental strength and health along with physical strength & health. That draws people into your life more than anything else.
That girl might be pretty, and fun and have a lot of old memories attached to her that is hard to let go off, but she is only a phase in your life. Let her go and concentrate on realizing yourself, help yourself and perhaps the planet, the animals and the humans, become radiant person, perhaps even if she sees it, she'll wan't to be a part of your life again. You have to draw people that are in line with your goals and dreams, that will like and respect you and you them in return, not stick to people as in parasitic hunger for personal/emotional/sexual satisfaction.
Let me share little bit of my experience.
I myself used to be in a relationship with a girl that i like very much. There came a time when i had to move to another town with my mother. The news of it upset her to the point that she stopped talking to me, respond to my texts, calls or emails. That bummed me out so much, i didn't know what to do. One wise man said once: "if you love someone, let them go. If you ment to be together, they will come back." I accepted the fact that she didn't want to interact any longer and i stopped trying to contact her. In about a year or so she started commenting on some of my facebook pictures. I started talking to her and she was glad to respond. We are good friends today and i am glad that she's part of my life, but i don't cling to it ofcourse.
I hope you are catching my drift.
In any case, whatever challenges are facing you, encounter them head on and don't pay attention to distractions. And buckle up, because when life slows you down and tryes to drag you backwards, it means it's gonna launch you farward really hard and fast. And as always stay carbed the f@¢k up ;)
Cheers!!!